HARM REDUCTION.
Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves….Live the questions now. Perhaps you will gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.
-Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet
“Stop hating yourself” is in the handwriting of my life partner, Petey.
In 2019, he wrote a list called “How To Be Better” This was in an attempt to pin point the reasons why he struggled with addiction. This was one thing on the list that really caught my attention. Harm reduction has always been such an important topic in my life but even after years of training and a fuck ton of loss, I still didn’t understand. It wasn’t until Peter that I truly understood and believed in harm reduction. Because after reading that list, I realized that the problem was never the drugs, it was what he was trying to escape. And in the end, although an accident, his death was still episodic of terrible drug policies.(More on that in a future blog.)
So because of this, as an attempt to raise awareness for mental illness, addiction, and harm reduction, I am personally giving this tattoo to anyone interested. I will also provide the stencil if you have a tattoo artist already. Just reach out through the contact page to request.
Too many times we demand abstinence before safety and even before understanding why the drug use is occuring in the first place. There is nothing wrong with being patient with a loved one in recovery. A belief and a lifestyle cannot be changed overnight and in a lot of cases, quitting cold turkey can literally kill you. Yes, boundaries will need to be set so that everyone’s mental health can get better but if we don’t focus on the “Why we’re using” and only focus on the “What we’re using”…..well…..there’s a reason why rehab success percentages are so disappointing.
As far as the tattoo goes though, it is 100% complimentary to anyone willing to get it. There is a form available to request the tattoo from myself and I’ll be sending updates for tour dates to anyone who fills it out. All cities and states in the United States are welcome to fill out this form.
Below, you will find the reasons why I have finally had enough and decided to speak up on harm reduction. There is so much more to mine and Peter’s story and even more people near and dear to me that we have lost due to lack of support and bad drug policies. But, right now, focusing on Peter is the most important thing to me.
Peter was a good person surrounded by people who wanted to help but who also used the same ideology that was taught to many of us in D.A.R.E.(Remember that shit? You know, studies show that D.A.R.E. did nothing to help prevent future drug use. I’ll be sure to include a blog on this topic with resources in the future.) These people who wanted to help just focused on the drugs when really the focus should have been on any amount of harm reduction first and then why these drugs were being used. What about these drugs are comforting or helping? Likely, there are deeper reasons for heavy self medication other than having fun. Unfortunately, these people do not agree with my belief in harm reduction or the way I responded to Peter’s addiction and that is ok. I also find myself disappointed in the way I responded to certain aspects of his drug use. But that is neither here nor there. The goal right now is not to attack anyone and my truth will not always line up with others because I am simply basing my knowledge of Peter off of my own perspective and lived experience. Just like everyone else. We can all stretch the truth but whatever I say on Peter’s behalf are things he had told me. Obviously, I am unable to confront Peter about what may or may not be accurate so I will keep the details as vague as possible as to not cause any further friction with others who cared for him.
What’s important here is that my only goal is to educate and help as many people as possible understand harm reduction so that they do not have to go through what Peter and I went through. I want my readers to understand that drugs are never the problem. The problems are found in the ways life experiences have molded healthy or unhealthy relationships to the drugs. We must focus on safety, the reason why someone may use, and we must learn how to support our loved ones and neighbors who use drugs without taking away their sense of agency in the process.
Stigma
There is so much negative stigma surrounding drug users and unfortunately, a lot of those opinions reside in many of the people we know. Do not take that as people who do not care though. Even though these opinions are held close by many, it was obvious that those who knew Peter and believed these stigmas cared deeply and just didn’t know the best way to support his recovery. It’s hard to know what to do. Scary even when you don’t actually understand the drug, addiction, or mental illness. They loved him dearly but just lacked an understanding of the things he was struggling with because Peter was not honest with them and they had no relevant lived experience. He was scared and he was angry. Everyone was really. There’s a lot of history that I was not around for that had caused these feelings. But because he wasn’t comfortable being completely himself around these people, he had no idea how much they cared.
But one thing that really made me sad is that many of those around him that cared about him thought that negative reinforcement was the way to go. For example, if they knew he was using again they would just yell at him and/or ignore him. I was even told to leave him after a relapse. Which I obviously did not. Yes, it’s important to set boundaries but fear based recovery and ultimatums are not the way to go. This takes away the user’s sense of agency. The way to heal is through support and uplifting those who struggle. This idea of being “powerless” is horse shit and I will explain why later in the “Harm Reduction” blog. Honestly, it’s not their fault though because this is, unfortunately, the way we were taught to handle drug users growing up.
So because of this, he had told me many times that he felt he was being treated like a plague. Obviously, because I know how much these people cared, this was not the intention even though it ended up being the outcome.
Connection
When he and I reconnected after not seeing each other for nearly 5 years, he truly started to open up about his experiences and was beginning to heal. He had been using during the beginning of our relationship, which was stressful but the drugs didn’t bother me as much as the lying and acting on the defense all the time. It took some time for him to believe that I was never going to attack him about the drugs, but once he knew I wasn’t going to be mean, he started to let his guard down. We talked about getting test kits and making sure safer consumption items were around like clean straws for example.
This was NOT an attempt to enable him but to show him that he was more than his drug use and that I just wanted him to be safe and I think he got the message. It was a rough ride. A lot of unflattering things came up, especially when I let my own curiosity get the best of me and started using with him for a short period of time. (I’ll get further into this story in one of my blogs because it’s very personal and this entry isn’t about me.) The use was short because a single line got my ass because we didn’t test it. Turns out there was fentanyl in the batch. Luckily, Peter was ok and was able to get me the help I needed but because that situation was so scary, I begged him to quit. I was terrified of running into that scenario again. Looking back on it, I know that wasn’t fair because he needed to make that decision on his own.
But the frequency of his use went way down after that and he was even talking about how excited he was for stopping his use so we could save up for things like vacations, marriage, saving for a house, etc... But unfortunately, he just didn't feel comfortable sharing with me that he was still struggling and still wanted to use. Probably because he was worried I would be upset after begging him to stop. So in his head, using meant that I might leave and he didn't want us to fight and risk it. To this day, I still beat myself up for not being as understanding then as I am now. So after a somewhat stressful conversation Friday, January 15th, 2021...I had fallen asleep on the couch...something I never did but I was feeling unwell and just fell asleep there. And he took that opportunity to go pick up one last time and passed away peacefully in our bathtub while I was asleep...I didn't find him until the next morning.
I was told the autopsy came back as an accidental drowning. That there wasn’t enough fentanyl or drugs in his system to overdose. But there was enough fentanyl and alcohol in his system to render him unconscious and the intoxication was complicated by drowning. I am frustrated that no one else seems to understand how this accidental death is episodic due to The War on Drugs. This “accident” was 100% preventable. But I digress.
The pain in my heart is still so very strong. Along with a shit ton of PTSD since I use that shower everyday. But his shame ate him up and he tried to keep his struggle a secret and kept me out of the loop when he needed me the most and the last thing I want is for anyone else to feel the way he felt, isolated. Because none of us are truly alone.
So with that said...
All I ask is that if you know someone struggling, just show them love and acceptance. It's a long and painful road but if someone feels love, it is a whole lot easier to create their own path to recovery. Whatever that may look like. Abstinence is not the only answer. Some of us need alternatives or less use and some of us might need abstinence. But what we all need is the support and resources to figure that out on our own. We need to meet people where they are at and not where we want them to be. And if you're struggling, please don't hesitate to ask for help. There are so many resources available to you and hopefully even more popping up in the future.
You can start by finding some resources here:
https://harmreduction.org/resource-center/harm-reduction-near-you/
I will be creating and updating a resources page soon.
Peter was the most loving, caring, and loyal person I have ever met.
He was kind and forgiving and a beautiful person to create a life with. I just wish that he hadn't been so far gone into his depression and self-hatred when we started dating. He was making progress but shitty drug policies lead to his ultimate PREVENTABLE downfall.
And I really fucking wish we could finally end this War on Drugs so we can have safer supply available but until that happens, TEST YOUR DRUGS! DANCESAFE.ORG